_________________________________________
Sister Laura of the Angels of the Crucified Jesus and Sorrowful Mary
“Too greedy is he for whom God alone does not suffice.”
This quote found me many years ago, and it pierced my heart, issued
it a challenge: was God alone enough for me? I knew that the answer
was “no.” But I also knew that I wanted the answer to be “yes.”
However, deep down inside I wondered if I would ever be able to
actually reach a point where I could truly say, “Yes, God alone is
enough for me. He suffices…”
I was born in 1980 and I grew up in a Catholic family – my parents
and two younger sisters – in a small town in Michigan. I was good in
school and loved to read. I was blessed with a good moral compass, a
strong conscience, and wonderful Christian friends, which kept me
along a mostly straight path throughout my teenage years. Sports was
my great passion, and I was an avid and intense athlete –
basketball, volleyball, softball, water polo – with dreams of one
day making it to the Olympics. I was a tomboy who liked to show-up
the guys and could not bear wearing a skirt. And of course, I wanted
to change the world. I went through many a career possibility –
veterinarian, doctor, neurosurgeon, biomedical engineer – but most
importantly, I wanted to make a difference. I did not want to simply
be successful or wealthy…I wanted to truly make an authentic and
important and worthy contribution to history.
I went away to the University of Michigan to study medicine or
engineering and to play water polo for the University. I enjoyed
four years of college athletics, which culminated in a berth in the
Final Four my senior year, and I ended up graduating with a Biology
degree, desiring to be a teacher. Unfortunately, however, the
college years had led me far from the Lord and a moral lifestyle,
and I did not go to Mass in my last two years of school except when
I went home to visit my parents. But the Lord, in his great and
unmerited mercy, intervened in my life…
As I was about to enter a Master’s program at the University of
Michigan right after my graduation in 2002, a teaching job in Miami,
Florida fell into my lap, and being adventurous and liking the
exciting sound of Florida, I immediately accepted and moved.
However, when I stood in front of those young students for the first
time, I understood very clearly that who I was as a person was going
to affect them…and I did not like who I was anymore. So immediately,
for myself and for those who had been entrusted to my care, I went
searching for a Church and a young adult group in which to involve
myself. I found a group at the University of Miami, and immediately,
upon hearing the faith of the Church presented to me as never
before, I fell in love with it as never before. For though I had
ignored the Lord for some time, my hunger for Him and his Truth had
never left me. Thanks to this group and the woman who was leading
it, I began a steady and authentic conversion back to the Lord, and
by the end of the year, I was attending daily Mass.
In the middle of the year, I met a young man in the group, we began
dating, and eight months later we were engaged. I fell in love, and
I gave my heart to him. All was well: we went to daily Mass
together, regular Adoration, and we wanted to be saints and have a
holy Catholic family. However, about a month and a half before our
wedding, he came to me and said, “I am not sure, but I think the
Lord may be telling us not to marry. I am not sure what it is or
what to do, but I do know that I could not walk down the aisle in
peace.” After some very difficult weeks of prayer and discernment,
we called off the wedding, and decided to spend the summer apart in
prayer, discerning the will of the Lord for our lives. After about 6
months, the relationship ended, and I was broken. It seemed as if my
world had crumbled for many reasons. But more than anything, I could
not understand how the Lord had allowed this to happen. I thought I
was doing His will; I wanted to do His will; He had given me this
gift, and now He took it away, leaving me hurt and broken. I felt
duped by God. But despite my confusion, hurt and lack of
understanding, deep down I made a decision to trust Him and His plan
for my life, even though I could not understand all that was
happening. By His grace, I began doing a Holy Hour every day, and
this sustained me through a very dark and difficult year, for many
other difficult circumstances with my family added to the pain I was
already trying to deal with. Slowly I began to heal and grow
stronger, and my relationship with Lord deepened and solidified.
One may ask naturally ask at this point: Did I have any inclination
or indication of a possible vocation? The first time I ever thought
about religious life was when I must have been about 12 years old
and I read a story of a man who ran away from his call to the
priesthood to pursue a life as an artist. The call never left him
though, and eventually, he answered it, giving up his life as an
artist, and finding the true fulfillment he had sought in the
pursuit of his own dreams but never found. I remember very clearly,
upon reading this story, a stab of fear that pierced my heart: What
if the Lord called me to be a nun? There was nothing worse that I
could imagine, and I begged him at that moment to never ask that of
me. I told Him that I would do whatever He willed, because that is
what I would have to do – but, with all my heart, I hoped it would
not be that.
Except for the fear, I did not experience any serious call until the
beginning of the relationship related above. When we first began
dating, we went to a Eucharistic conference, and during the evening
time of Adoration, I felt the Lord say he wanted me to be a nun. It
was so strong…and interiorly, I screamed “nooooo.” I did not think
it could be from the Lord…it had to be the Enemy…the man I wanted to
marry was sitting right next to me…my life was all figured out…it
was a temptation…but I was in front of the Eucharist… I prostrated
my face to the ground in agony.
For weeks I tried to put it aside, but I could not ignore it, and so
I brought it to my boyfriend. We discussed, prayer, and discerned.
We spent hours in Adoration, and interiorly, he gave me to the Lord
if that was what He wanted. But in the end, I discerned that I
wanted to be married and have children. This desire was deeply
rooted; why would the Lord place it there if I was not called to
marry? So we continued in the relationship, and months later we were
engaged. After this, I would occasionally experience fleeting
moments of doubt and fear, but I dismissed them as moments of
temptation, and I would try to regain my peace. In the midst of all
this, however, I always had a deep desire to do God’s will – even
though I lacked the courage and clarity to know it, seek it and
follow it. I am certain that this deep desire to obey – despite fear
– is what prompted the Lord to intervene, through the heart of my
own fiancé, and bring me to the destination He had originally
intended, despite my best efforts to travel elsewhere. I praise Him
for His infinite mercy on my behalf.
After over of a year of healing and growth, I came to understand one
very important truth: I had looked to another person to fulfill the
deepest longings of my heart for love and happiness. I came to
understand that only God was deserving of my heart and all it
contained, for it was made for Him, and only He could fill it.
During this time of important revelation, I was also beginning to
grow closer to the Sisters of the Servants of Pierced Hearts of
Jesus and Mary. I had known them before, during and after my
engagement, and had always thought they were very wonderful, and I
desired to know them more…but not to be one of them. In January of
2006 I went with a group of young people, led by three of the
Sisters, to Washington D.C. and the March for Life. I found myself
spending a lot of time with the Sisters and being very happy and
joyful in their presence. Upon my return, I startlingly admitted to
myself that maybe I could be happy and fulfilled being a religious
sister. Their joyful witness gave me an authentic picture of
religious life. It was at this moment, I believe, that my heart
truly opened to a possibility I had only feared before. Soon after,
the Lord’s call became clear…the Lord was calling me to be His
bride; He had reserved me from all eternity to be His.
The fear and distaste I had for religious life had as its root two
important causes: first, a lack of understanding of authentic
religious life; second, a doubt that God and his Love could truly
meet the deepest needs and desires of the human heart. I was always
willing to obey because it was the right thing to do. But the Lord
does not want an unwilling bride, for religious life is a response
of love before it is a response of obligation. Therefore, He had to
form and mold my heart to accept a proposal of Love. In fact, He
formed redirected all my hopes and desires – to make a difference,
to find fulfilling and perfect love, to be an Olympic athlete (now I
am preparing for the spiritual Olympics) – to find their fulfillment
in Him.
In prayer one day as I was struggling with my vocation, I received
the following Scripture that moved me and has since been a special
treasure I have reserved for my heart and vocational journey: “The
Queen of Sheba came from afar to test King Solomon with her
questions; Solomon explained to her everything she asked about…When
the queen of Sheba witnessed everything…it took her breath away.
‘The account I heard about your deeds and your wisdom is true’ she
told the King. ‘Yet I did not believe it until I came and saw with
my own eyes. I have discovered that they did not tell me the
half…you have surpassed the stories I heard…Happy are your brides’”
(cf. 1 Kings 10:1-10).
May we not be “too greedy” and look for anything but God along to
suffice. Religious life is the life of a generous heart who leaves
all to possess the All in All; who leaves all men to wed
God-made-Man; who leaves her own will in order to follow Love’s
perfect will. May all who are called respond like the Queen of Sheba
who, upon her awe, gave such a gift back to Solomon that “never
again did anyone bring such an abundance…as the queen of Sheba gave
to King Solomon.” Is God enough? Yes, He is…He is enough…and
therefore, we must in turn give Him our all. In giving my life to
Him as a free and total gift of love, I have “found the answers to
all my questions” and He has transformed me and will continue to do
so forever, as He fills the deepest parts of me that have borne His
name and been reserved for Him for all eternity.
“Blessed are the poor of heart,” those who have not been “too
greedy,” for they will “receive the Kingdom.”
“All
for the Heart of Jesus through the heart of Mary.”
Back to Vocational Stories Main Page...
This page is the work of the Servants of the Pierced Hearts of Jesus and
Mary
